so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
