Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Two words: blizzard sex
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
