Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize