I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
