I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize