turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
