You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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