i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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