we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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