Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
