Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
