my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
