I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
