no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
