Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
