You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
