have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
