a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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