And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
