I just cut my nipple shaving
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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