Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize