Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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