I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize