i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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