I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
