If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
