Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize