Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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