i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
