Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
