Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
