I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
