cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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