True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
