oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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