I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
