So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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