He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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