I cannot find my penis.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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