when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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