My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
