Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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