I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
