We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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