I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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