hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
