she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
