Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
