So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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