guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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