This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
no, he came in my armpit
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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