I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
