You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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