I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize