So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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