running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
is it fun? or sober?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
