we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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