just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Randomize
